I screwed up. I admit it. My bad.
But, you know, what are you gonna do? It wasn’t like I woke up this morning and thought, “Huh, I think I’ll destroy the planet. That sounds like fun.”
And it’s not like you aliens are actually destroying the planet, right? Not entirely. The cockroaches will be fine. The rats might survive, too. They’re very adaptable creatures.
Human beings are the only ones who are really out of luck, right? Although the dogs are probably not gonna be too happy. They kinda rely on humanity. The house cats, especially the ones that are declawed, they’re going to be in trouble. The goldfish, doomed most likely. Cows, chickens, pigs—yeah, they’re probably not going to make it either. All the zoo animals, not much chance.
So yeah, okay, it’s not just humanity that’s out of luck.
But seriously, I’m willing to accept responsibility for my share of the problem, but it’s not like it’s all my fault. You aliens asked me a question. You didn’t tell me ahead of time that my answer mattered.
And why should I think it did? Twenty-seven years I’ve been on this planet and it’s not like anyone else has ever cared a whole hell of a lot about my opinion.
When I was a kid, I didn’t want to go to school, but did that matter? No, not in the least. My mom said it was the law and the cops would drag me if I didn’t go willingly, so I went. I did figure out eventually that the part about the cops was bullshit, but by then school was better than my house, so off I trudged every day. Not a lot better, not better by much, but after my dad left, my mom got… well, school was better.
And let’s face it, school doesn’t exactly teach you to think your opinions matter. It’s a real sit-down-and-shut-up environment. My dad used to rant that it was all about training drones, that schools were designed to create factory workers who could stare at an assembly line all day long and not go insane, and I’m not saying he was wrong. I could probably stare at an assembly line for forty hours a week without losing it. If there was good money in it, a decent paycheck at the end of the week, and some vacation time every year, hell, yeah I could.
But there aren’t any assembly line jobs left. Not here, anyway. Maybe off in Asia somewhere. I bet those drones don’t think they’re lucky, but they are.
Well, they were lucky. Not so much, anymore, huh?
So how are you guys going to do it? Plague, maybe? Like AIDS, only faster? It’d have to be faster, I guess. Maybe like that Ebola thing, with blood coming out of all our orifices, even our pores. Sounds gross but hey, it’ll be over quick.
I kind of expected big explosions. You know, mushroom clouds expanding over all the major cities. We’d probably get a real good view from up here. I wonder where you’d start? I guess maybe if you threw one nuke, like at Washington DC or something, you could just let us take care of the rest. Our president wouldn’t be shy about blasting back. He’s the kind of guy who if he goes down, he’ll take the world with him, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pushed the button even without aliens taking out DC. Although I suppose if you took out DC, you might get him, too. Him and all his buddies.
Huh, that wouldn’t be so bad.
But you’ll probably have to hit a lot of cities to really wipe humanity out. The big ones in Europe. Paris, you’d have to get Paris. I once read a book about how all the historical shit in Paris, all the great art work and everything, how it all survived World War II ‘cause the German general in charge of the occupation couldn’t bring himself to destroy it.
Well, I say read, but I didn’t really read it. I had a job, temp thing, with a guy who played audio books all day. Annoying stuff at first, but I got used to it. Two months of work there, it wasn’t bad. But then the holidays were over and there wasn’t enough work and… yeah, you know the story.
Anyway, I guess Paris survived the Germans, but not me. Funny, huh?
Sad, I mean. Definitely sad.
Not that I really care. Not like I’d ever see it for myself. So what? Some painting of a chick with a smile burns, it’s not like the end of the world.
Except that it is, of course. The end of the world.
Man, this is not how I figured this day would go. When I woke up this morning, I thought sausage biscuit for breakfast, then some Edge of the Universe for a few hours. Then an hour filling out applications online. Boring as shit and totally pointless, but my mom gets on my case about it. She keeps saying she’s gonna kick me out if I don’t start contributing so I like being able to say I did what I could. Then some more EU. Afternoon games are better when the kiddies get home from school. Nothing I love more than wiping the floor with the newbs.
Oh, you don’t know that one? Great game. I play it a lot. Hardcore PVP but the graphics are quality. I’ll miss some of the guys I play with, I guess, but eh, they’re all assholes, too. I bet if they’d gotten asked the question, they would have given the same answer. It’s not like I’m the only one who hates the whole rotten lousy place.
A second chance?
You want to ask the question again? You like to let the representative consider his answer for a while before making a final decision?
Thanks, I guess.